


Oh Lord, I Feel Like I'm Dying

by Archangelsanonymous (Pattypixie)



Series: Angeles [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Tattoo Parlor, Architect Castiel (Supernatural), Blow Jobs, Chronic Illness, Depression, Drinking to Cope, Erotic Cake Tasting, Gabriel gives relationship advice, Hand Jobs, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Misunderstandings, Morning After, Reconciliation, Reunions, Sadsterbation, San Francisco, Self-Hatred, Tattoo Artist Dean, Tattoo Artist Gabriel, Tattoo Artist Sam, Time Skips, You know its bad then, bad timing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2017-10-30
Packaged: 2019-01-07 11:14:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12231684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pattypixie/pseuds/Archangelsanonymous
Summary: Sequel to "So Glad To Meet You"Its been a few weeks since Cas stepped into Dean's life and turned it completely upside-down. How did three words make everything come crumbling down?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> WOOO A SEQUEL! Time to kick down my sand castles.
> 
> FYI: Please read the rest of the series before reading this. It does not stand alone.

               Cas moved slightly, causing the sheet over him to rustle, and Dean’s pencil paused above his paper. Dean focused on Cas’s face to be sure he wasn’t awake before returning to his sketch. He was perched on his desk chair, his sketchpad settled in the tight space between his thigh and chest that was made by his foot sharing space with his bottom on the seat of the chair. The windows in Dean’s tiny studio apartment were thrown open and the sweet, salty, autumn air blew in from the bay and cascaded over Cas’s sleeping form, causing his hair to move slightly with the breeze. Dean found that he tended to wake before Cas, and it gave him inspiration and time to pursue a little of the more traditional medium he had since abandoned in art school. It had been a few weeks since Cas had come to San Francisco, and it seemed very clear that he wanted to stay. Slowly, over the weeks, Dean’s sketches of Cas started to take up the blank space that had previously covered the walls, and the man himself did the same to his heart. Dean smiled softly and shook his head. All over a silly tattoo. The set of wings that Cas commissioned from him had been done for about a week now, but he still continued to wake up staring into blue eyes or burying his nose in the scent of raven hair. He wondered when it would all end. When Cas would wake up and realize that he wasn’t worth it. While some doubts started to subside, many grew stronger or new ones popped up, giving him more to be concerned with. When would the real world catch up with them?

A stronger rustle from the bed caused Dean to look up again and noticed half-lidded, oceanic eyes gazing at him. He gave a smile and Cas returned it, turning over and stretching his arms above his head.

“Why are you always so far away in the mornings?” Cas wondered, pushing out his bottom lip ever so slightly.

“It’s not so far,” Dean countered, setting his pad to the side and getting up from his chair. He took no more than two steps over to his usual side of the bed and climbed back in it. “See. I always come back.”

Cas quickly wrapped his arm around Dean and pulled him close. “And I suppose the flattery is worth it.” He tangled their legs together and pressed a soft, lazy kiss to Dean’s lips. His mouth opened on reflex and he slid his hand up the bare skin of Cas’s back, only stopping when he could feel the soft bumps of Cas’s still healing skin. Along with art, tenderness had started to fill Dean’s mornings brought about by Cas’s soft fingertips trailing his side and teasing his waistband. Cas’s mouth moved to Dean’s neck and he let out a soft moan at the delicate nips he felt.

“Cas…” Dean gasped, feeling himself start to grow hard against Cas’s thigh. The feeling seemed to only spur Cas on, grinding his own hips against Dean.

“I love you,” Cas whispered, his breath hot against Dean’s ear.

Dean stopped his ministrations and pulled his face away to look at Cas properly. His lips were turned up in a soft smile, and his eyes shone brightly, confidence pouring out of them. No one but Sam and Gabriel had said those words to Dean in…Was it possibly never? Then again, had he ever felt this way about someone else? His eyes traced Cas’s features, wondering when he would stop finding something new to adore about them. He drew this face every morning and fell asleep thinking about it every night. The confidence in Cas’s eyes started to falter, his eyebrows drawing in and the corners of his mouth turning down. No, no, no. That couldn’t happen.

“I…” Dean’s voice halted, unable to continue. Why couldn’t he say it?

“Dean, it’s alright if you…” Cas sighed and pulled away, sitting up. “I mean, I sort of sprung this on you. I know we’ve only been together for a short time.” He reached up and rubbed his hand against the back of his neck. “I shouldn’t have assumed that you reciprocated.”

“Cas,” Dean reached out to touch Cas’s back, but the man shied away.

“I’ll, um,” Cas cleared his throat and stood up. “I’ll make us some breakfast, alright?” He flashed a quick smile at Dean and walked around the bed to the other side of the apartment, where he busied himself at the kitchenette.

Dean watched him go and chastised himself for how stupid he was being. He turned onto his back and stared up at the cracked and peeling ceiling. Just a few minutes ago, the world was so perfect, and now it had been tilted on its axis. Cas loved him. He should be jumping for joy at the words and spending the entire day tangled in bed with him. Possibly the entire week. Instead, here he was. Once again alone and, no doubt, a disappointment. Cas had to experience it eventually. Dean wasn’t made to be loved. A soft sniffle came from the other side of the apartment, barely audible over the sizzling of butter in the fry pan, but for Dean it came through clear as a bell. It took aim and speared him right through the chest, pinning him to the mattress. He laid there, frozen, as the increasing smells of bacon and eggs did nothing more than nauseate him. Out. He needed to get out.

Quickly, he pulled himself up and grabbed his jeans off the floor. He turned his back to Cas as he dressed, but he could feel his gaze impale him, thrusting more guilt through his already wracked body. Once he had a shirt on, he turned around and grabbed his sketchpad and phone off his desk.

“I have to go down to the shop,” Dean offered, already knowing it was a pathetic excuse.

“Of course,” Cas turned back to the stove and focused on the frying meat in front of him. “I’ll text you if I’m stopping by.”

“You don’t have to…” Dean bit his lip. “Yeah, okay. I’ll see you later.” He opened the door, then closed it behind him once he was through. Here he was, running away again. Nothing changed. Not really. He bounded down the stairs and exited the building out onto the street. Fuck, he didn’t even know what time it was. He fished his phone out of his pocket and checked it, seeing that it was only a little past nine AM. While it was Sam’s day off, Gabriel would be at the shop already, but Dean generally didn’t show up until at least noon. If he got there this early without Cas in tow, they’d know something was up.

 

There was something up, though. His answer was up in the air. Dean turned the opposite way of the shop and started to wander toward the bay. He thought that he knew how he felt about Cas. Everything that had happened since that day he started staying with him was a dream. His world, which had been ruined by steel and concrete, was now full of obsidian and sapphire. Bad days came less and less while Cas was around to massage his back and legs every night. He closed his eyes a moment as he felt Cas’s phantom lips pressing against his spine. The feeling sent a shiver through his entire body, and he wondered why he couldn’t say the words that he needed to. It was simple. Just three words. Eight letters. An avalanche of meaning behind them.

 

Dean took a deep breath of ocean air and ran a hand through his hair. Was this what he had become? Had he repressed all feeling so long that when something real came along, he couldn’t feel back? But he did. He felt so much towards Cas. That was why he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t force such a burden and obligation as himself onto Cas. Being with Dean was a chore. It took so much work that he was sure that no one would love him willingly if they truly knew what they were getting into. Cas claimed that he knew and that he would work through it with him, but that was far from the truth. It had been a few weeks. Dean has had to deal with himself his entire life. Between the bouts of depression and self-hatred, there were blissful days of clarity where he could see what the point of surviving was, but they were rare. So rare that Dean had almost forgotten about them until Cas had come into his life. Yet, here he was again. Fucking things up like usual. It was better if Cas left. Cas deserved better.

He reached the beachfront, deserted at this time of year, and sat down, sinking into the cold sand. His phone buzzed in his pocket, but he ignored it, having half a mind to chuck it into the ocean. No one needed him. Not really. They would also see it eventually.


	2. Chapter 2

“I can’t get a hold of him either,” Gabriel sighed, setting his phone down on the counter after getting Dean’s voicemail for the fifth time. “What’s wrong? Did you guys have a fight?”

“Oh,” Cas did his best to control his blushing, but he could tell some slipped through. “No. He just said he was coming here, and I assumed this is where he would be.”

“Huh,” Gabriel shrugged and went back to checking his appointments on the computer. “What’d you have to tell him anyway?”

Cas bit his lip and shoved his hands in his jeans pockets. He’d come to this conclusion after burning his toast and about a half hour of crying into a pillow that smelled entirely of Dean. It was better if he left. He had overstayed his welcome, anyway. Once he had emptied his tear ducts, he packed up the small amount of things he owned and set them by the door. He hoped that the pillow would be dry once Dean decided to come home.

“I’ve decided to return to New York,” Cas admitted.

Gabriel looked up at Cas. “Makes sense. You haven’t been to work in a month.” He chuckled. “You probably have to get your shit together back there before you officially move out here. You taking Dean with you? He could probably use a nice vacation. How long are you two gonna be—“

“Gabriel,” Cas stopped him. “I’m…I’m not coming back. And Dean isn’t coming with.”

“Holy shit,” Gabriel’s eyes grew wide. “You guys DID have a fight.”

“No!” Cas insisted. “It isn’t like that. Dean and I talked and I decided that maybe it was time I leave.”

“Did he say it was time for you to leave?” Gabriel asked.

Cas sighed. “Not in so many words.”

Gabriel crossed his arms over his chest. “Maybe you should have a few more words.”

“There’s nothing more to be said,” Cas explained. “My flight is in the morning. Can I stay with you and Sam tonight?”

“Yeah, of course,” Gabriel came around the counter and wrapped his arms around Cas. “Want me to beat him up for you?”

“No, but I appreciate the offer,” Cas smiled sadly. “I’d also appreciate it if you didn’t get mad at him. None of this is his fault.”

Gabriel pulled away and patted Cas’s shoulder. “Yeah, alright.” He fished his house key out of his pocket and gave it to Cas. “Bring your stuff over when you’re ready.”

The bell above the door rang as Cas turned and he looked up to see Dean. His hair looked windswept and his shoes were covered with a fine dusting of sand. He must have been at the beach. His emerald eyes widened as he saw Cas standing at the counter of the shop and met his gaze. The world stood still for a few minutes as memories rushed through Cas’s mind, and his heart broke a little more with each one. No more sketches from wistful mornings. No more bake and takeout in their underwear. No more soft kisses on the back of his neck to fall asleep to. No more Dean.

“Uh, hey Cas,” Dean finally greeted, breaking the silence.

“Hello, Dean,” Cas returned, walking toward him, then past him to the door. “I’ll see you later, Gabriel.” He left the building and took off down the street, Dean staring at him until he was out of sight.

“What the fuck did you do?” Gabriel rounded on him as soon as Cas was gone.

“Uh, yeah. Sorry about that,” Dean sighed. “I was down at the beach and my phone was on silent.”

Gabriel’s eyes looked as if they had an inferno behind them. “You know that’s not what I’m talking about.”

“There’s nothing else  _ to _ talk about,” Dean growled, walking past Gabriel and going into the back of the shop.

Of course, Gabriel followed him, disregarding any customers that may have been in there. “Did Cas tell you he’s leaving?” Dean stopped walking, his back still to Gabriel. “Hopping on a plane to New York tomorrow morning.”

Dean swallowed hard, but regained motion, setting his sketchpad on the scanner. “It doesn’t surprise me.” It wasn’t a complete lie. He expected Cas to leave him. Just not so soon. “He probably made the right decision.”

“Okay,” Gabriel held up his hands. “Apparently, I’m missing something fucking major because you two have been giving me and Sam a run for our money lately. You two couldn’t keep your hands off each other at dinner last night.”

“Yeah? Well, things change, Gabe,” Dean spat. “Cas and I just aren’t going to work out. Get over it.”

“Whatever,” Gabriel scoffed, moving to go back into the main shop. “Let me know when you two get your heads out of your asses.” He went through the curtain and left Dean in the back alone.

Cas was leaving. He felt the wound in his chest from that morning reopen and grow larger. The impact of it almost brought him to his knees and he could already feel his eyes burning. It shouldn’t be a surprise. What else did he expect? There was nothing here for Cas anymore. Dean was just weighing him down. He hoped that Cas realized that this was the best thing for him. If he didn’t now, he would realize it eventually. Dean did him a favor. He tried to focus on that, but it did nothing to help the pain he felt. It felt like he would pass out from it. Maybe he could ask Cas not to leave.

No. Dean sat down in a nearby desk chair and cradled his head in his hands. He couldn’t be that selfish. He was finished with that. Cas deserved someone better than him, and that was the end of it. He deserved someone that could lift him up and support him. Someone that could give him everything he ever dreamed of. Dean couldn’t do that. He was such a fucking disappointment. Dean curled his fingers in anger, gripping his short hair. He wasn’t even sure who he was angry at anymore. Was it Cas, for confirming what Dean knew all along? Was it Sam and Gabriel, who kept telling him lies about what he was really worth? Was it himself, for being a six-foot waste of space and energy?

Pain started to grow in the small of his back and he already knew where this day was going. Before it got any worse, Dean stood up and started to walk out into the shop, leaving his sketchpad behind. It wasn’t like he was going to get any work done today anyway. He caught Gabriel’s eye as he was leaving, but turned away quickly as he walked out the front doors. All of his pain medication was back at his apartment and he could tell he needed to get there sooner than later as the pain started to climb up his spine. He quickly made his way to his building and climbed up the stairs with little difficulty. His hands started to shake as he unlocked his door and slipped inside. Before he did anything else, he rushed to the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet. He grabbed the bottle with the green cap and shakily poured two tablets out into his hand. The bottle ended up left open on the sink as he popped the pills and swallowed them without water. He’d probably need more later, but for now, all he could do was return to bed. The need to get to bed had overtaken his thoughts and only started to dissipate once his task was complete. That was when he noticed what was missing. Dean turned his head and saw that Cas’s reading glasses were gone off the nightstand along with the copy of whatever Salinger he happened to be reading that week. His eyes went to the closet and saw that his suitcase was gone, the drawer that Dean had given him left open and bare.

Dean curled up on himself. This was really it. Cas was gone. He had half a mind to cry, but the pain medicine took over first and pulled him down into a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'LL FIX IT, I PROMISE.


	3. Chapter 3

_ **One Year Later** _

“Gabriel, I—No, just put in in that pile—I’m really busy,” Cas tried to explain to his increasingly persistent cousin. “Going out there for a visit just doesn’t seem feasible at the moment.” He signed off on a design that he had been overseeing and handed it off to his secretary. Once the boy left he leaned back in his chair and sighed. “How is Dean?”

He kept telling himself over and over that he no longer had feelings for the artist, but it was far from the truth. It had been a year since he had left California—left Dean—and he still had yet to open the suitcase he had taken with him. Instead, it sat in the back of his closet, untouched. If Cas was being honest with himself, the thought terrified him. Those clothes had been living with Dean, in his apartment, being washed with his detergent and absorbing his scent for weeks. Once he had returned to New York, he shed everything he could concerning the man. He never went shirtless and avoided the mirror before and after his showers. Any glimpse of the tattoo was like shoving a knife through his heart.

After a few more minutes of idle chit-chat with Gabriel, Cas made some sort of vague work excuse and hung up the phone. He loved his cousin and he enjoyed checking up on him, but the memories of his time there still hurt tremendously. It’s said that time heals all wounds, but all time had done for Cas was leave an empty hole in his chest where Dean had once resided. He looked at the time and decided that it was acceptable to leave the office a bit early. There was a half empty bottle of gin back at his place that he opened the last time he had made a call to Gabriel.

Quickly, Cas packed up his things, mentioned to his secretary that he was leaving early, and called for his car to be pulled around. He stared at the ceiling as he went down the elevator, willing the tears that were welling up back into his tear ducts. Luckily, before he reached the ground floor, he was able to pull himself together. He walked out of the building, and nodded at the valet as he climbed into his Lincoln Continental. The professionalism he maintained while at work started to fade as he drove away from his office building. Cas reached up to his neck and loosened his tie, along with the top two buttons of his shirt. He wondered what Dean would think of him in his suit.

_ “That monkey suit ain’t you, Cas,” _ His brain supplied, Dean’s perfect baritone still seared into his memory.

Cas sucked his bottom lip between his teeth and began to wear at it. Just a few more blocks. He pulled into the parking underneath his apartment building and probably parked a little crooked in his spot. Who cared? Getting up to his flat was the most important thing right now and finishing that bottle of gin was the second. The elevator seemed to take forever, but soon enough, he was unlocking his door and throwing his bag to the side. He took a few strides to his kitchen and pulled down the bottle he had been promising himself for the past hour. There was a second long debate in his mind about grabbing a glass, but etiquette lost the battle and he took a swig straight from the bottle. The liquor burned down his throat and the piney taste stayed in his mouth as he walked back to his sitting room. He sank down on the couch, set the bottle on the floor for a moment, and kicked off his shoes. Once he had finished ripping his tie off, unbuttoning his shirt few more buttons, and pulling it out of his pants, he took another swig of the gin. It didn’t burn as much as it did the first time, and he laid down on the couch, the arm holding the bottle hanging off the edge.

Dean’s face swam through his mind. He figured that after a year, he would have forgotten it, but he couldn’t be so lucky. Instead, soft green eyes and coffee-stain freckles invaded his head, digging around and bringing up memories of a man he loved. A man he thought loved him back. He tilted his head up and put the bottle to his lips again. The alcohol trickled into his mouth and he swished it around before finally swallowing. When he first left, Gabriel kept trying to get him to talk to Dean, but he knew it was useless. There was nothing to be said. Dean had made it obvious that what they shared was nothing but a fling. Eventually Gabriel stopped asking, but he knew it was only because he was getting as tired of the question as Cas was.

Not all of it had been bad though. Cas smiled slightly as he remembered waking up, draped in Dean’s scent, looking over and seeing his lover poised with a pencil and paper. Most mornings, Dean would return to him, soft and pliant, letting Cas worship him properly. He remembered the hard planes of Dean’s body, his back ridged with scar tissue, but still smooth and sensitive.

_ “Cas…” _ Dean’s breathy moans were called to the surface of his memory and he started to feel himself harden. Another mouthful of liquor couldn’t hurt, so he took one and undid his fly, releasing the pressure on his cock. He closed his eyes and palmed himself as phantom lips pressed against his neck and jawline, the memory making him groan. Wait. His eyes snapped open.

Cas got up, his balance a bit unsteady as he made his way to his bedroom. He stood in his closet, holding onto the doorframe for support, and stared at the suitcase. One more swig of gin for courage and he set the bottle aside to pull the suitcase out of where it had been banished to for the past year. He laid it out on the ground and took a deep breath. The zippers taunted him, fully aware of what would happen if he opened the luggage. Rip off the Band-Aid, right? His hands shook as he took hold of the zippers and pulled them apart, using the momentum to flip the top open.

The overwhelming scent washed over him and every memory, even ones he had since forgotten, flooded back to him. Walking on the beach, getting fish and chips at the wharf, picking out his first pipe on Haight…Everything. He pulled a navy blue tee shirt out, and recognized it as the one he wore when he met Dean. The soft fabric slid over and through his fingers, and he only stared a moment before bringing it to his face and breathing deeply. The effect was just as he expected and he pulled the shirt away only to see two slightly darkened spots on it, damp from his tears. The shirt smelled like him, yes, but it smelled like him with Dean. It was spice and herbs, the sand and sea, burnt paper and graphite shavings. He picked himself up and kept the shirt held to his face as he kicked his pants off and made his way onto his bed. The shirt turned over and over in his hands as he searched, begging for just a small patch of…There.

Right by the collar, Cas inhaled as much as he could. He had discovered a spot that was purely Dean. His cock filled again as more sordid memories came to the surface of his mind. It wasn’t that Dean had been absent from Cas’s fantasies over the past year, but now everything seemed refreshed and, God, he ached for Dean. He reached into his briefs and took hold of cock with one hand, keeping the shirt pressed to his face with the other. Memories of Dean’s mouth on him and his fingers tangled in russet toned hair came to the front of his mind. Dean always took him so well, looking up at him with wide, adoring eyes only to close them again and display his long lashes over his flushed and freckled cheeks. Cas moaned as he swiped his thumb across the head of his cock and a memory of Dean’s moan echoed in reply.

_ “Cas, please…” _

“Dean…” He gasped in response to the voice in his head that refused to leave. Once more deep breath and he recalled an unusually warm night, both of their bodies slick with sweat as they ground against each other. He was so close, his hand stroking hard and fast as he reminisced. Dean’s hands on his body…The feel of him surrounding Cas…His face when he came…

_ “Come for me, Cas…” _

And he did. He cried out as he spilled over his hand and stroked himself through the aftermath. The immediate euphoria left him quickly as he realized that this was the only way he would ever have Dean again. He wiped his hand off on his briefs and used both hands to bury his face in the shirt, tears falling freely now.

“I love you,” Cas gasped, repeating between sobs. “I love you. I love you. I love you…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I didn't say I'd fix it NOW


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting early cuz I feel like it. I'll still post another chapter on Saturday, too. I'm feeling generous since I keep putting you guys through all this crap lmao

Dean stared up at his ceiling. Still cracked. Still peeling. Still the same one that he stared up at the day that Cas left. He ran his hands down his stomach and felt his ribs poking out, more prominent than they had even a month ago. Had he eaten today? Had he eaten this week? What month was it? Sam had stopped by for…something. Dean remembered seeing him but his memory only recalled static coming out of his brother’s mouth. He took a deep breath and the salty tang of autumn air washed over him. That’s what month it was. That meant it had been a year. Wow.

A knock on the door caused him to turn his head and stare at it. “Come in,” his voice croaked. When was the last time he talked to anyone?

“Hey, bud,” Gabriel slid himself into the apartment, closing the door gingerly behind him. “How are ya?”

“I don’t know,” Dean frowned a little. He tried to tell his body to sit up—that it wasn’t polite to lay down in company—but his muscles refused to move.

“That’s alright,” Gabriel smiled softly and walked over to the kitchenette, dropping a grocery bag on the counter. “You eat today?”

“I don’t know,” Dean replied again.

“Well, let’s try some tomato soup just in case,” Gabriel shuffled some things around and pulled a sauce pan from a cupboard. “Things have been going pretty well at the shop. People miss your art, though.” Dean started to tune him out as he rambled on over the sounds of canned soup being heated up. Soup seemed nice.

“…told Cas that—“

“Cas?” Dean’s attention turned back to Gabriel quickly, and he found the motivation to sit up. “What about—I mean,” he shook his head. “Uh, how’s he doing?”

Gabriel cocked an eyebrow, but went back to stirring the soup as it raised in temperature. “He seems alright. His company is doing really well. He asked how you were doing.”

Dean rubbed his cheek and felt his palm rub against the week-old stubble that resided there. “What did you tell him?”

“I lied,” Gabriel sighed. “Just like I have for the past year. Said you were fine.”

“I am,” Dean argued.

“You’d be a lot more convincing if you weren’t wearing the same shirt I saw you in three days ago,” Gabriel retorted.

Dean looked down at his shirt. It was a stupid tourist tee that Cas had brought him to change into when a gull had shit on the one he was wearing at the time. They had eaten at the wharf that day. Cas had kissed him on the beach with their toes buried in the sand. There had been ice cream.

“I know I stopped asking months ago but, Christ,” Gabriel turned to Dean. “What the hell happened with you guys? Neither one of you said anything. Just…” He waved his hand. “Poof.”

“He was better off without me,” Dean explained. “Plus, he had a life in New York to get back to. I wasn’t part of that.”

“Wow. That,” Gabriel whistled, “is the greatest load of horse shit I have ever heard.”

“He left ME,” Dean reminded him. “It doesn’t even matter anyway. It’s been a year.”

The soup started to boil and Gabriel removed it from the stove. “And here you are, still wallowing.” He pulled down a large mug and poured the soup into it. “Maybe you should go see him.”

Dean laid back down and turned over so his back was to Gabriel. “He doesn’t want to see me.”

“You want to see him,” Gabriel retorted, bringing the mug over and setting it on the nightstand. “I mean, you’ve kept up all the sketches of him on the wall. You obviously still care.”

“Just go, okay?” Dean hissed, curling in on himself. “I’ll eat the soup. Just go.”

Gabriel huffed and grabbed his keys. “Fine. There’s some other stuff on the counter for you, too.” He opened the door and stepped through, stopping in the middle. “You can’t stay like this, Dean. Sam and I are willing to help you as much as you need, but you need to help yourself a little first. Existing isn’t living.” Gabriel closed the door behind himself and Dean felt his absence fall over him.

Once he was alone, Dean unfolded himself from the fetal position he was in and looked up at the walls. Gabriel was right. They were still covered in countless sketches of Cas that he had done during their mornings together. He got up and walked up to one of the walls, pulling down a sketch that was dated just a week after they had gotten together. Cas’s back was on full display, only a flat sheet covering below his waist. Dean let his finger trace Cas’s spine on the paper as he remembered how Cas’s skin really felt under his hands.

_ “Come back to bed, Dean. Come back to me.” _

__ __ Dean lifted his finger from the paper and noticed a smear through the tattoo he had drawn. Ruined. He clenched the hand he was holding the sketch in and crumpled it in his fist. These drawings had to go. He reached up with his free hand and grabbed hold, pulling down several at once, some wrinkling and folding under his hand and others flying wildly throughout the room. The crumpled one in his other hand was thrown aside as Dean reached up with both hands and tore the sketches down. Wildly, he went to each wall in the apartment, tearing the papers down with no finesse or care for the sketches. His cheeks felt wet, but he ignored it as he continued on his tactless mission to erase Cas from his walls.

Once he felt finished, he stood in the middle of his apartment, chest heaving from exerting his body more in ten minutes than he had in ten weeks. Papers covered his floor, strewn about by his sudden renovation. This was good. This was progress. Dean turned, trudged through the mess, and grabbed the mug that Gabriel had left, the soup having cooled but still lukewarm. He put the mug to his lips, ready to drink, when he noticed a drawing that hadn’t been torn down. Calmly, he walked up to it, narrowing his eyes at the technique. It wasn’t his style, and it wasn’t Cas on the paper.

_ “You know, I’m an artist, too.” _

Dean plucked the paper from the wall and stared at his own form, sheet wrapped over his shoulders, a pencil and pad in his hand. He had forgotten that Cas had drawn him once, too. His hand twitched with the urge to crumple it up, but he couldn’t. It was the only real bit of Cas he had left. Carefully, he walked over and set it on his desk, face-down. Maybe someday he would be able to deal with it. Dean walked back over to his nightstand, and stared back down at the soup in his hand. He gripped the mug, willing his hunger to come back. It was right there. He just needed to drink. Just a little. His eyes started to water again and he let out a yell, hurling the mug full of soup at one of the walls he had just bared. The mug shattered and the pieces fell to the ground as orangeish-red liquid dripped down, staining the wallpaper. Dean sat down on the edge of his bed and put his head in his hands.

Why couldn’t he have just said it? He felt it, didn’t he? Certainly now, after all this time, with his feelings still so strong. Three fucking words and Cas would still be here. It was too late now, though. Cas had moved on. He has his company. Probably got a nice, new, suit boyfriend to go along with his nice, perfect, suit life back on the east coast. Dean was always just a fling. Tattoo artists and architects don’t go together.

Dean rolled back into his bed and laid on his side. Tomorrow he would get up. Tomorrow he’d return to his life and find someone that suited him. Someone without blue eyes and raven hair. Someone who didn’t expect anything from him. Someone that was absolutely nothing like Cas.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised!

Gabriel stomped down the stairs and burst out of Dean’s building. This shit had to stop. Fuck Sam saying that Dean needed time. It had been a goddamn year. He put those two idiots together the first time, and if he had to clean up their mess, he would. Gabriel pulled out his phone and dialed his cousin. Cas didn’t pick up, so Gabriel shoved his phone back in his pocket and went back to the shop.

“Babe,” Gabriel addressed over the ring of the bell above the door. “Gotta talk. Important stuff.”

“Uh, kinda busy,” Sam motioned to the client in his chair and the forearm piece he was working on.

Gabriel bit his cheek and hummed. “Fine. It can wait until you’re done.” He walked around behind the counter and set his keys down.

“I am so sorry about him,” Sam apologized to the client. “My boyfriend can get a little zealous.” He went to put the needle to the woman’s skin and she pulled away.

“Your  _ boyfriend _ ?” The woman sneered.

Sam furrowed his brow and leaned back. “Yeah. My boyfriend. Maybe husband someday if he’s lucky.”

The woman’s jaw dropped and she stood up, grabbing her jacket. “That is disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself, not informing your customers of your…deviances!”

Gabriel raised an eyebrow and pointed to the front window. “Did the rainbow flag not tip you off? Also,” he came out from behind the counter, “where the fuck do you think you are? This is San Francisco, honey. This city is about as gay as they come.” He walked over and stood next to Sam, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. “Try Oakland, you bigoted bitch.”

The woman’s jaw flapped a couple times before huffing and storming out of the shop with a half-done tattoo. Sam sighed and Gabriel squeezed him. “Well, that was fun.”

“Did she pay already?” Gabriel asked.

Sam looked up at him and smirked. “Made her pay in full up front when I saw the GOP membership card in her wallet.”

“See, this is why I love you,” Gabriel grinned and leaned down to give Sam a kiss. “Also what’s that business about being your husband?”

“Just planting the idea,” Sam smiled and turned off the tattoo gun. “What did you want to talk about, though?”

Gabriel shoved proposal ideas to the back of his mind as he was reminded of where he had just come from. “Cas is going to come visit in a few days.”

Sam stood up and started clearing his station. “Do you really think that’s a good idea?”

“What else are we going to do?” Gabriel gave Sam some space as he was cleaning and leaned his back against the counter. “You know whatever happened to them is all just some big misunderstanding.”

“We don’t, though,” Sam reminded him. “Neither of them will say anything about what happened. I don’t want to get involved if it’s not something that can be fixed.”

“Come on, Sammy,” Gabriel pouted. “You know those two are meant to be. You’ve seen them together. Nothing a little communication can’t fix. Not everyone is as good at it as we are.”

Sam looked up from capping his inks and raised an eyebrow. “You are literally the worst at communication. How long did it take us to get together?”

Gabriel shrugged. “No one’s perfect. Point is,” he held up a finger, “Dean. Cas. Their shit needs to be sorted.”

“You’re not wrong,” Sam sighed. “If anything, it may give them some closure.” He wiped his hands with a nearby rag, then tossed it to the side. “So, when does his flight come in?”

“It, uh,” Gabriel bit his bottom lip. “It has not been booked yet.”

“Gabriel,” Sam crossed his arms over his chest. “Does Cas know he’s coming in a few days?”

Gabriel scoffed. “Yes…Once I come up with a good excuse for him to have to come out here.”

Sam smirked. “I see.” He walked up to Gabriel and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s shoulders. “Tell him we’re getting married.”

“Ooo,” Gabriel nodded. “Good one…Wait.” He furrowed his brow in confusion. “Are we? I mean…Do you?”

“Are you really gonna make me get on one knee?” Sam asked, grinning.

“Only so I don’t have to stand on my tiptoes to kiss you,” Gabriel teased.

Sam rolled his eyes and backed up a little before sinking down to one knee. He grabbed Gabriel’s hand and kissed his knuckles, looking into his eyes. “Gabriel Novak, will you marry me?”

Gabriel sighed. “Well, your presentation was shoddy at best, and no ring?” He laughed at Sam’s shocked expression and put his hands on both sides of Sam’s face. “Yes, I absolutely will.” He bent down slightly and kissed Sam as his arms wrapped around Gabriel’s thighs.

“I love you so much,” Sam whispered against Gabriel’s lips.

“I love you, too,” Gabriel responded, going in for another kiss. “Wanna close up and go ring shopping?”

Sam pulled away and stood up. “I have a few more appointments today, and I’m pretty sure you do, too.”

“Fine,” Gabriel sighed. “But I expect engagement sex tonight and ring shopping tomorrow.”

“Deal,” Sam grinned. “Now, go use that excuse to get your cousin out here. Tell him you need help planning this thing.”

Gabriel’s eyes widened. “Oh, God. I didn’t even think about that.”

Sam raised an eyebrow. “You’re not gonna be a bridezilla are you?”

“Of course not!” Gabriel huffed, then reached his hand up to bite his nails. “I mean…A little. Like 12-inch bridezilla action figure.”

“You take care of the wedding stuff,” Sam decided. “I’ll keep the shop running, alright? I know I’ll love whatever you pick out.”

“Remember you said that.” Gabriel smirked and walked behind the counter, sitting down in front of the computer. “My next appointment isn’t for a couple hours. I’m gonna order food, then spend so much time on Amazon. I’m making our registry.”

“Ooo, don’t forget to add that Death Star waffle maker,” Sam reminded him.

Gabriel looked up at Sam, near offended. “Um, who do you think you’re marrying?” He looked back down at the computer and shook his head “ _ Don’t forget the Death Star waffle maker… _ Like I would forget something that important.”

***

Cas blinked a few times at his phone and pressed the button to replay the voicemail he had gotten from his cousin the night before.

“Uh, hey Cas,” Gabriel’s voice came through the speaker clearly. “I know we just talked earlier but, dude! Sam proposed! I said yes, of course, because he’s literally the best I could ever get and I am never letting him go. Anyway, we wanna do this fast. Like, a few weeks fast. Do you think you could take some time off and come out here to help me plan this thing? I could really use your help. Let me know, okay?”

Gabriel was getting married. An automated voice asked Cas if he wanted to save the message and he chose the option to delete it. Gabriel was getting married and wanted him to come back to San Francisco. He looked over at the shirt he had balled up and thrown into the corner when he woke up with it. The suitcase was still laying open outside of his closet, casing the entire room with its unique fragrance. It smelled like Dean’s room, but with something off. Like buying a “new car” air freshener. It never smells quite right because you’ll never really get that scent back unless you get a new car. Cas sighed. Getting a new car would be easier.

He looked down at the phone gripped in his hand. As much as he didn’t want to see Dean, he loved his cousin and they were really the only family each other had. There was no way he could say no just because of an uncomfortable break-up. He was sure Dean would feel the same way and act appropriately. Taking a deep breath, he looked up plane tickets, and bought a one-way to San Francisco for Friday. It would give him some time to get things in order and make the company aware that he would be working remotely for a few weeks. Once it was booked, he sent Gabriel a text with the details of his arrival. Hopefully, this wasn’t as bad of an idea as it sounded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies to anyone from Oakland. I just know native San Franciscans hate Oakland lol
> 
> Also to any socially liberal conservatives. I still love you. <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting 2 chapters today because they go together and it'd just be cruel to post them seperately.

Dean made a confused face at the screen of his phone and swiped his finger across it to the left. He wasn’t sure what “ovo-lacto vegetarian” meant, but he sure as hell didn’t want to date someone who was one. The next profile popped up and it still failed to be anything but interesting. He tossed his phone to the side, causing it to bounce on the mattress, and rubbed his face with his palms. Maybe this online dating thing wasn’t for him. He was nearly 30, and most of the people popping up looked to be five to ten years younger than that. It also didn’t help that no one seemed to be attractive to him. No one had those blue, piercing eyes or that soft, tousled black hair. He groaned, getting frustrated with himself and his stupid fucking standards.

His phone buzzed and he picked it back up, confused. There was a notification that he had a new message on the dating app he was using. Dean sighed and opened it, not sure he had anything left to lose. The message was from one “tats_n_cats”, and the profile picture showed a woman with long dark hair and sharp features. She was definitely Dean’s type…or who was supposed to be his type. The message was simple:

“Let’s meet up somewhere and grab a drink. Message me back with the place and time. I’ll be there. ;)”

Dean bit his bottom lip and clicked on the picture. It opened her profile and from what he read, it seemed complete enough to be safe. He went to view more of her pictures and she seemed practically covered in tattoos, but he couldn’t place the artist. It must have been someone he hadn’t worked with or seen art of before. All and all, he didn’t really see a reason to turn her down. She was hot, had similar interests, and was into him…not much more he could ask for at this point. He went back to the message and typed in a nearby bar and a time for them to meet. It was Friday so, at least there would be specials and a bunch of people around if he had to sneak out of the date early.

“Tats” replied quickly, confirming the time and place and Dean set his phone back down. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. This was the only way he was gonna get over Cas and it was now or never.

***

Dean settled on a seat in the middle of the bar, thinking the ends too risky and the tables a little too presumptuous. He quickly ordered a beer for himself and used all the self-control he had to sip it slowly. All he wanted to really do was throw the entire thing back, order a couple fingers of whiskey, and hope that would be enough to get him through this thing.

“Dean?”

A feminine voice came from behind him, and Dean turned on his barstool to see his date for the night. She looked exactly like she did in her picture, and he was grateful for it. “In the flesh,” he flashed a grin.

“Lisa,” she replied, taking a seat next to him. “I was a little worried you wouldn’t show up.”

“Oh?” Dean raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

Lisa blushed a little before turning to signal the bartender. “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t know who you were.”

“Ah,” Dean sighed. Another groupie. He put his beer bottle to his lips and took a drink.

“That’s not why I asked you out, though,” Lisa amended. “Your art may be famous, but it’s not my type.” She smiled at him, then ordered a beer for herself.

“Why did you ask me out then?” Dean asked, now intrigued.

Lisa shrugged. “You’re cute.” She chuckled a little and took a drink from her beer glass.

“I supposed that’s a pretty valid reason,” Dean approved, smiling. He looked down at her arm and saw a name tattooed on it in elaborate script. “Do I have an ex to worry about?”

“What?” Lisa looked down at where Dean motioned and laughed a little. “Oh, no. You do have my 10 year old son to worry about, though. Father hasn’t been in the picture since he was conceived.”

“A son, huh?” Dean took a drink of his beer.

“Is that a problem?” Lisa raised an eyebrow defensively.

“Oh! No, not at all,” Dean explained. “I basically raised my little brother, so I’m pretty good with kids actually.”

Lisa smiled and took a sip of beer. “Good to know.”

Dean finished off his drink, then took a good look at the woman in front of him. She had come in a tight, vintage tee from a band long forgotten, dark wash skinny jeans that hugged her legs, and a pair of stiletto short boots that were trimmed in silver. Her dark hair hung over her shoulders in loose waves and even in the low light, he could see highlights of blonde hiding throughout. And, god those lips. He licked his own, just thinking about them and Lisa seemed to catch him.

“I know it’s a little soon, but,” she leaned in close to Dean and put a hand on his thigh, “I wouldn’t mind getting out of here.”

“Are you sure?” Dean asked, already pulling out his wallet.

Lisa stood up and fit herself between Dean’s open legs. She pushed her body against him and placed a hand on the back of his neck before leaning down close to his ear. “Baby, I know what I want and I’m not ashamed to go after it.”

Dean closed his eyes and a shiver of arousal trickled down his spine as Lisa’s breath cascaded over his ear. “Good. Yeah that’s…that’s good.” It was painfully obvious that he hadn’t been with anyone in quite a while and it made him blush.

“I have one request,” Lisa pulled away slightly, her hips still pressed against Dean’s. “I want to see your shop.” She rolled them and Dean groaned softly.

“My shop?” Dean chuckled. “It’s almost closing time. By the time we get there, everyone will have probably gone home.”

“All the more reason to go, hmm?” Lisa bit her bottom lip. “I’ve always wanted defile one of those chairs.”

The corner of Dean’s mouth quirked up, the alcohol taking control of his decisions. “I know just the chair. Let’s go.” He slapped a twenty down on the counter and Lisa moved so he could get up. Once he did, he wrapped an arm around her shoulder and they walked out the door and into the evening. Thankfully, the shop wasn’t too far from the bar he had chosen, but they didn’t rush there, choosing to engage in a little more conversation. Dean asked about her tattoos more and Lisa gladly provided stories, while she clung to him in an effort to shield herself from the chilly bay air. He turned his head and pressed his nose into her hair, smiling at the scent of the flowery shampoo she used. It felt so good having someone in his arms again and he squeezed her closer as they came upon the shop.

“Huh, looks like someone’s still here,” Dean commented as they got closer and he noticed the lights were still on.

“Gonna introduce me, then?” Lisa joked.

Dean was too preoccupied with Lisa’s excited expression to glance in the window and see who was there. “’Course. You’ll like Gabe.” He opened the door and let her go in first, before coming in behind her. “Sam’s my brother and—“ The door closed behind him, but Dean was frozen to the spot, trying to figure out if what he was seeing was real.

“Hi,” Lisa walked up to the first person she saw and held out her hand, introducing herself. “I’m Lisa. Dean’s date.”

“Castiel,” the man took her hand and shook it. “Nice to meet you.” Cas looked up at Dean and it felt like every ounce of air in Dean’s lungs had been sucked out once he saw the shade of blue that had been haunting his dreams.

“Lisa, uh,” Dean managed to cough out. “Maybe you should go. I didn’t realize that we had family coming in.” He turned his head and glared at Gabriel, who was slowly attempting to hide behind the counter.

“Family?” Lisa asked.

“I’m Gabriel’s cousin,” Cas explained. “But there’s no need to cancel on my account. I just got in. Dean and I can catch up later.”

Lisa’s eyes got wide. “Oh, are you a tattoo artist, too?”

“He isn’t,” Dean stepped forward and wrapped an arm around Lisa, guiding her to the door.

“Dean…” Sam sighed.

“Its fine,” Dean urged. “Cas is probably tired from his flight so, we’ll just let him get some rest.”

“Yeah, of course,” Lisa agreed as she was being pushed out the door. “Bye!” Dean guided her down the street as fast as he could, then let out a breath once they had turned the block toward his apartment. Every feeling that he had been trying to dull over the past year came flooding back upon seeing Cas again. It was like a dam had broken in his mind and all he had for the moment was a band-aid holding himself together. They walked to Dean’s apartment in silence until he stopped suddenly at his door.

“Hey, listen…” Dean started.

Lisa placed a finger on his lips and smiled knowingly. “It’s okay. I’m not blind. I know an awkward ex encounter when I see one.”

“I’m really sorry,” Dean sighed. “Maybe we can get together another time.”

“Yeah,” Lisa nodded solemnly. “Maybe.” She took a breath and smiled up at him. “You know how to get ahold of me.”

“Yeah,” Dean rubbed the back of his neck. “Bye, Lisa.”

Lisa waved as she walked away and Dean watched her go until she turned a corner out of sight. He sat down on the stoop of his apartment building and tried to gather his thoughts. Cas was back. He was standing right there, in the middle of the shop like he’d never left. Dean buried his head in his hands and curled his fingers, wondering if ripping off his own face would take away from the pain that had returned in his chest. Cas wasn’t supposed to come back. He was supposed to stay in New York with his company, and his suits, and his REAL life. He wasn’t supposed to come back and ruin everything just when Dean had started to move on. Why was he even here?

He thought for a moment, then realized that Gabriel and Sam had announced earlier on the week that they were getting married. Of course, Dean was happy for them and knew Cas would be coming for the wedding, but Gabriel didn’t care to mention that he’d be coming in early. He could have handled seeing Cas at the wedding. Lisa could have even been his date. It would have been how things were supposed to be. Now, his mind was a jumble and he had no idea what was going to happen.


	7. Chapter 7

Cas walked away from the terminal and on his escalator ride down to baggage check, he spotted Gabriel waving a sign that said “Castiel Angeles”. He headed towards it with a smile on his face and pulled Gabriel into a hug once he reached him.

“You look great, Cas,” Gabriel commented once they separated.

“You too,” Cas agreed. “Engagement suits you.”

“Come on,” Gabriel tossed the sign in a nearby garbage can and started walking to the baggage carousels. “Let’s get your stuff and get back to the shop. Sam’s there holding down the fort.”

Cas stiffened a little then continued to follow Gabriel. “And Dean? Will he be there?”

“Nah,” Gabriel assured him. “He almost never comes to the shop anymore.”

“So, he isn’t tattooing?” Cas turned his attention to the baggage as it came around on the conveyer.

Gabriel shrugged. “He still does some designs once in a while, but he’s kinda been out of the game since you left.”

Cas wasn’t even really looking at the bags anymore as he thought about Dean. What would happen when they saw each other? It wasn’t like they could avoid each other until the wedding. He just hoped he would be able to keep it together. He had been spending every night curled up with a different shirt from his previous trip, only switching them out when the scent had started to fade. Everything that had happened between them was so fresh in his mind still, and honestly all he wanted to do was apologize and try to start over. He could wait for Dean to feel the same way he did. Maybe if he had, he would have still been here.

“Isn’t that yours?” Gabriel asked, snapping Cas out of his daze. Cas looked down and noticed his teal bags about to move out of reach.

“Oh, yes,” Cas reached out for the bags and only just grazed the handle. He sighed and resigned himself to waiting for them to come back around when Gabriel started shoving people out of the way without any warning to get to them. Cas watched the scene with mild horror until Gabriel came back with both of his bags and a grin on his face.

“That’s all of it?” Gabriel panted.

“Uh, yeah,” Cas confirmed. “That’s all of it.”

“Good deal,” Gabriel rolled one of the bags over to Cas. “You take this one and let’s get out of here.”

Cas nodded and Gabriel led them away from the baggage claim and over to the parking garage. Luckily, Gabriel had managed to snag a pretty close spot and they didn’t have to walk very far. Gabriel unlocked his lime green Geo Metro and popped the hatch.

“How does Sam even fit in this thing?” Cas wondered as he put his bags in the trunk.

“Oy,” Gabriel pointed a finger as Cas closed the hatch once his bags were in. “Annabelle is very roomy, I’ll have you know.”

Cas opened the door and slid into the seat, surprised when Gabriel was right. It was actually pretty spacious. He put his backpack on the floor and stretched out a bit. Gabriel slid into the driver’s seat and started up the car…or at least tried. He flashed a nervous grin at Cas as he pumped the gas a little to get it going and finally the engine turned over. Cas gave him a suspicious look and he shrugged.

“Yeah, I got to get her into the shop soon, but I’m afraid they’re gonna try to total her,” Gabriel admitted.

“You make enough to afford a new car, don’t you?” Cas asked, flinching a little as the transmission made a loud noise as it popped into gear.

“That’s not the point, Cas,” Gabriel explained. “Annabelle has been with me since I left home. It’s sentimental. I’m pretty sure I love this car more than Sam, and he knows it.” He flashed a smile at Cas before turning back to driving. “I’m just glad neither of them are the jealous type.”

Cas smiled at Gabriel and let him drive for a while, looking out the window and taking in the sights he had missed so much over the past year. It was evening, so a fog hung over the bay, but it wasn’t thick enough that he couldn’t make out familiar buildings and streets. He rolled the window down a sliver, just enough to smell the saltiness of the air and the sweet ocean breeze. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes and let the tightness in his chest overwhelm him until his entire body was practically bursting with nostalgia. He still felt the anxiety of returning to San Francisco, but it was starting to feel more like excitement rather than dread. Gabriel chanced a glance at Cas and smiled when he saw how content his cousin was.

“Sam’s really excited to see you,” Gabriel mentioned, breaking the silence. “You guys really seemed to get along last time.”

“I enjoyed his company as well,” Cas agreed. “Conversations with him were always very intellectually stimulating.”

“Hey, I’m not exactly stupid, you know,” Gabriel pouted, slapping his cousin’s leg lightly.

“Well, obviously,” Cas turned his head back to the window. “Marrying Sam is probably the smartest thing you could have done. You’re much smarter at that than I am.”

Gabriel could feel the mood in the car change for the worse. “Cas…”

Cas sighed. “I was stupid with Dean. I should have known that he didn’t feel the same way that I did. I just…” He looked up at the ripped car ceiling and focused on a small stain in order to keep himself from tearing up. “I just hope that maybe we can put all of it behind us. I don’t expect us to try again, but—“

“Damnit, Cas,” Gabriel slammed on the brakes and gripped the steering wheel. “Dean has spent the last year doing nothing but sulk and be a giant baby over losing you. And I mean ‘baby’ in the most literal sense. Couldn’t even feed himself most days.” Cas looked over at him, eyes wide. “Yeah. It’s been pathetic. Sure, Sam and I are getting married and I needed you but the truth is, I invited you out here because Dean needs you more. Honestly, I can’t fucking stand it anymore. You two better fix your shit before the wedding or, so help me God, I will call it off and use the venue to stage the fanciest intervention ever.” Gabriel’s chest heaved as he finished his small rant. “We’re here.”

Cas looked out the window as Gabriel turned off the car and he saw that they were parked in front of the shop. It looked exactly the same and his stomach flipped remembering the first time he walked in there. From the moment he met Dean, he knew he was absolutely gone for him. He wasn’t sure if it was the green eyes and freckles, or the defiant and stubborn attitude. Probably a mixture of the two. All he knew was at that first moment, he knew that he would never want anything in the world more than he wanted Dean.

Gabriel slammed his door closed and it prompted Cas to finally get out of the car. He grabbed his backpack and stepped out of the car, closing the door behind him. Gabriel made no motion to get his bags out of the trunk, so he assumed they wouldn’t be staying there long. He shrugged the strap of his backpack onto his shoulder so it was more secure and walked in the shop behind Gabriel.

“Honey, we’re home,” Gabriel called out.

Sam emerged from the back, wiping his hands on a rag and grinned when he saw Cas. “Hey guys.” He tossed the rag aside and walked up to Cas, pulling him into a hug. “Good to see you.”

“And you,” Cas replied, smiling. “Congratulations.”

“Thanks,” Sam blushed a little and rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s still kinda sinking in, honestly.” He kissed Gabriel on the forehead and pushed him towards the counter. “Close up the register. I just have to clean up my station and then we can head out. You hungry, Cas?”

“Uh, yes, actually,” Cas realized. “I haven’t eaten much today.”

Gabriel groaned behind the computer. “Food sounds amazing…Sushi?”

“That sounds—“ On instinct, Cas turned around when he heard the bell above the door ring. It seemed like the world had slowed down as Dean walked in the shop…right behind an unfamiliar woman. He stared at the woman first, barely catching what she said as she held out her hand to him.

“—Dean’s date.”

The words echoed in his head but, refused to be anything less than polite. “Castiel. Nice to meet you.” He looked past her and caught Dean’s eye, a myriad of emotions washing over his face.

“Lisa, uh,” Dean finally said after what seemed like years of eye contact. “Maybe you should go. I didn’t realize that we had family coming in.”

“Family?” Lisa asked. The air was punched out of Cas’s lungs at that word. That was all he thought of Cas as now. Just his future cousin-in-law.

“I’m Gabriel’s cousin,” Cas explained, barely keeping his composure. “But there’s no need to cancel on my account. I just got in. Dean and I can catch up later.” He lied, knowing that later would never happen.

Lisa’s eyes got wide. “Oh, are you a tattoo artist, too?”

Cas opened his mouth to say something but, Dean stepped forward and wrapped an arm around Lisa. “He isn’t.” Dean gave Cas once last glance before turning away and guiding Lisa to the door.

“Dean…” Sam sighed.

“Its fine,” Dean urged, refusing to look back. “Cas is probably tired from his flight so, we’ll just let him get some rest.”

“Yeah, of course,” Lisa agreed as she was being pushed out the door. “Bye!”

The bell above the door jingled again, signaling their departure and Cas stood still, trying to comprehend what had just happened.

“Cas, are you…” Sam inched towards him, as if approaching a scared animal. “We had no idea he…” He sighed. “This has to be the first time he’s been out in a year.”

“I, um…” Cas tried to speak, the words feeling like peanut butter in his mouth.

“Come on,” Gabriel stepped around the counter and wrapped an arm around Cas’s shoulders to support him. “Let’s just head home. We can get delivery.”

Cas leaned against Gabriel, glad he was there. “Yeah, that…That’s good. I’m glad he’s moving on.” He looked down and could feel tears stinging his eyes. “I hope he’s happy.”

“Oh, Cas,” Gabriel wrapped his arms completely around Cas, hugging him tightly. He tried his best to be strong, but once he was enveloped in Gabriel’s arms, it was too much and his emotional walls crumbled. His body shook as sobs wracked them. Dean had broken his heart before but, now it was shattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annabelle is loosely based on my own car, Penny. Mainly the part about loving her more than my fiancee :P


	8. Chapter 8

Over the next week, Cas threw himself entirely into planning Gabriel and Sam’s wedding. He spent almost all of his time at the shop, calling venues, picking out flowers, and arranging the DJ. Gabriel gave his opinion when asked, but for the most part, Cas had taken over the entire thing.

“You’re okay with this?” Sam whispered to Gabriel, as he watched Cas have an argument with the caterer. He was seated in a chair, letting Gabriel do a touch up on the bespectacled corgi on his forearm.

“Yeah,” Gabriel shrugged, wiping away some extra ink on Sam’s arm. “I mean…it’s better than him sitting around and moping over Dean, right?”

“True,” Sam sighed. “Have you talked to Dean yet?”

“Not really,” Gabriel turned toward his inks and bit his lip. “He’s still pretty mad at me. Won’t even respond to my texts.”

“Can you really blame him?” Sam asked. “You should have told him.”

“It’s not like you told him either!” Gabriel hissed.

“It was your idea!”

“YOU proposed!”

“Um, Gabriel?” Cas walked over cautiously, attempting to not interrupt the argument that appeared to be going on.

“Uh, yeah,” Gabriel stole one more glare at Sam before turning to his cousin. “What’s up?

Cas raised an eyebrow at the couple, then looked back down at his notepad. “Good news. We’ve secured the caterer with a little name-dropping and persuasion on my part.”

“Sounds great, Cas,” Sam smiled. “What about the cake?”

“We have some tastings scheduled later today,” Cas ran a finger down his notes. “And they already are doing us a favor, so we have to be there.”

Sam cringed. “I can’t. I’m backlogged with the books and I have to get those caught up before my meeting with the accountant tomorrow.”

“That’s no issue. Gabriel and I can…” Cas looked up to see Gabriel giving him the same nervous grin.

“I’m booked all night, cuz,” Gabriel shrugged.

Cas huffed. “Well, I certainly can’t go by myself. I need someone there with a different palate.”

The bell rang above the front door, indicating someone was coming into the shop, and he turned to see Dean entering, shoulders slouched and hands in his leather jacket pockets. Cas immediately looked away, his face starting to blush. He still wasn’t used to Dean just showing up out of nowhere at any time.

“Uh, hey guys,” Dean waved half-heartedly. “I was kinda bored and thought I’d come by. Got anything planned for tonight?”

Gabriel’s face broke out into a wide grin.

***

Cas had spent the last half hour cursing Gabriel in his head. When Dean had come into the shop, he appeared to have unintentionally volunteered himself to go with Cas to the cake tasting. There seemed to be no feasible way for either of them to talk themselves out of it without admitting that there was a problem between them, so here he was, driving Gabriel’s ridiculous car with Dean in the passenger seat and silent tension building a concrete wall between them. He glanced over at Dean for a second and saw him staring intently out the front window. His hands were on his knees, fingertips curled and digging into his jeans. Of course he was uncomfortable. Cas bit his lip and tried his best to focus on the road. The bakery was in Sunset, so even though it was just across town, the ride seemed to drag on forever.

“We’re here,” Cas mumbled as he pulled into the small parking lot.

“Sorry, what?” Dean asked, mishearing.

Cas cleared his throat and spoke up a bit more. “Uh, we’re here.” He pointed to the bakery and Dean’s eyes followed.

Dean nodded. “Ah…Yeah.” He hesitated a little before grasping the handle and opening the door, letting himself emerge from the small vehicle.

Cas did the same, hoping the fresh air would help ease the tenuousness between them, but the thought was in vain. “So,” he took a deep breath. “This shouldn’t take very long. I had the cakes that seemed the best picked out already so we should only have a couple of samples to try.”

“Oh,” Dean looked down a bit, a flash of disappointment barely crossing his face. “Yeah, that’s good.” He started walking to the front door and Cas followed behind him, still far back enough to give a little space. When the door was open, Dean and Cas were greeted to an onslaught of sugary and fruity scents wafting over them. Cas had the mildest wish that he was high so that he could enjoy it even more. The shop was small, but not crowded, with glass cases lining one wall from end to end. There was a small area with café tables and chairs that seated only two or three people at a time, and it looked like there was a modest coffee bar near the back.

“Welcome!” The plump woman behind the counter announced in a southern accent. “I’m Carol. How can I help you boys?”

Cas walked past Dean and went up to the woman. “I believe we have an appointment for a cake tasting?”

“Oh!” Carol’s face lit up and she came out from behind the counter. “Well, I’ll be! Congratulations you two! Y’all make a fine couple. Very handsome.” She winked as she took an extremely shocked Dean’s hand to shake it.

“We, uh…” Dean stumbled over his words. “I mean…It’s—“

“We’re not the ones getting married, Carol,” Cas informed her politely. “It’s my cousin and his brother.”

Carol’s gaze darted between them for a moment before she let go of Dean’s hand. “Well, shut my mouth. I’m just used to seein’ couples come in for the tastin’ ‘stead of the…best men?”

“S’okay,” Dean mumbled, his face turning a soft shade of pink under his freckles. “I mean, we used to but…” He looked up at Cas. “It’s complicated.” Cas stared back at him, wondering what was contained within that gaze. Was it…longing?

Carol cleared her throat and both turned back to her, remembering why they were there. “Well, come on back and sit yourselves down. I got the samples set up on the patio.” She gave them a small smile and Cas noticed a little twinkle of knowing in her eye before she turned away and lead them out the back door and onto a small, enclosed sun room with more small café tables like the ones in the front of the bakery. One of the tables had a couple forks laid out, with a plastic display case full of cakes next to it. “I know y’all had your choices narrowed down to just a few cakes, but I reckoned y’all’d want to try a few of the others just in case.” She gestured to the two place settings, urging Dean and Cas to take a seat. “First up is the lemon curd y’all seemed to be fancyin’.” Carol pulled a piece of white and yellow cake out and set it between the two men. Dean and Cas each took a fork from the basket and hesitated a little. It seemed each was waiting for the other to make a move toward the slice. “I swear, if y’all don’t dig in, I’ll scarf that thing down myself.”

Cas finally went in for a fork full and ate the bite. He closed his eyes and hummed his approval as the taste of lemon and sugar filled his mouth. “This is fantastic,” Cas admitted, looking over at Dean who nodded in agreement.

“What’s next?” Dean asked, licking his lips.

“How ‘bout my award winnin’ ‘tera-me-sue’?” Carol pulled out a darker cake and exchanged it with the remnants of the lemon curd. This time, Dean wasted no time in stealing a bite, practically moaning as he savored it.

“No wonder it won awards,” Dean admitted, daring to go in for a second bite. “I think I’m in love.” Cas frowned at him, regardless of how delicious the cake was.

Carol chuckled. “Sorry, darlin’, but you’re not my type.” She winked and pulled out another white cake with a few layers of some sort of red berry. “Now, here we got some raspberry shortcake.” She exchanged the cake again and accidently bumped Cas with her hip. He was only holding his fork loosely and it clattered to the floor. “Oh my word! I’ve been a gosh darn klutz all day. I’ll be back in a jiff with a new fork so, y’all just hold tight.” After setting down what was left of the tiramisu, she bustled back into the building, leaving Dean and Cas alone.

Dean took a mouthful of the shortcake and smiled at the taste. He looked up at Cas, remembering he didn’t have a fork, and put another bite onto his. “Try some,” Dean insisted, holding the fork up to Cas’s face.

Cas looked between the fork and Dean for a moment before leaning in and accepting the taste of cake. He kept his eyes on Dean the entire time, and could have sworn he saw his pupils grown a little when Cas wrapped his lips around the fork. Pulling back, he hummed. “That’s really good.”

“Wait, you have—“ Dean reached out his hand and Cas froze. His thumb connected with the side of Cas’s mouth and wiped something off of him. Dean pulled his hand back and brought his thumb to his mouth. “Just a little jam.”

Cas held his breath, unable to stop staring as Dean’s tongue darted out to lick the morsel of raspberry jam that had just been on his face. His heart was pounding in his chest and he couldn’t help but remember all the other wonderful things that Dean’s tongue was capable of. Dean seemed to be staring him down as well, eyes darkening as he stuck the tip of his thumb in his mouth more to tease Cas than to clean it.

The door into the building opened and it startled both men, causing them to sit up straighter and look away. “Sorry ‘bout that.” Carol sighed and handed Cas a new fork. “There you are, honey.” She watched as Cas took another bite with his own fork this time. “Good, huh?”

“Practically erotic,” Cas commented, sparing a glance at Dean, whose ears had decided to turn a lovely pink.

“We got ‘bout five more cakes and then y’all can decide on a flavor and design,” Carol grinned, oblivious to the heated looks Dean and Cas kept giving each other. This would be a long tasting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OHHHHHHHHHHH


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL DAMN FINALLY

After countless glances and far too much enthusiastic fork cleaning, they had decided on a cake (raspberry shortcake) and a design (a simple three tier with decorative golden fondant and sunflowers). As they were leaving the bakery, Dean asked that he be dropped off at his apartment rather than the shop and Cas agreed. The ride back was very similar to the ride there, but the tension was different. Cas kept sneaking glances over at Dean, wondering if he was feeling the same way about what had happened at the bakery. While they couldn’t get their shit together emotionally, there was no denying that they were compatible in bed and, damnit, he hadn’t gotten laid in a year. It couldn’t hurt to just have some meaningless sex, right? Cas pulled up to Dean’s apartment and his heart pounded in his chest.

“Do you, um…” Dean swallowed hard and licked his lip. “Do you want to come up? I think I have some things of yours still.” He looked up at Cas, any ounce of innocence gone from his eyes.

“Yes,” Cas breathed out the only word his mind was able to form. He quickly turned off the car and got out as Dean did the same. Dean led him to the familiar front door and up the stairs to his apartment. After fumbling with his keys a bit, Dean got the door open, then closed it behind Cas.

“So,” Cas ventured, curious at the darkness present in Dean’s eyes when he turned to face him, “what is it that I left?”

Dean dropped his keys and walked up to Cas, grabbing the back of his neck. “Me,” he whispered against Cas’s lips before pulling him into a kiss. Like a reflex, Cas melted into it instantly, wrapping his arms around Dean and pulling him close. Memories came flooding back to him and it made every touch and kiss feel that much more enhanced. The hand Dean had on his neck trailed up and into his hair until Dean was able to grab a handful. He tugged backwards, causing Cas to expose his neck, and moved his mouth to leave open kisses along Cas’s collar.

“Dean…” Cas sighed, closing his eyes and letting the feel of Dean’s lips against his skin wash over him. Hearing his name from Cas’s mouth invigorated him and he pulled Cas even closer, biting down on his pulse point. Cas cried out and Dean moaned, feeling how hard Cas was against him. He took a deep breath and only exhaled when he absolutely had to, insistent on holding on to Cas’s distinct scent for as long as possible. After a few minutes, Dean started to push Cas backwards towards his mattress.

“Do you want this?” Dean growled, his voice having already taken on a husky quality.

“More than anything,” Cas replied, sitting down once he felt the back of his knees hit the edge of the bed. He looked up at Dean and trailed his hands down to start unbuckling Dean’s belt and undoing his fly. After a quick squeeze through his jeans that made Dean groan, Cas pushed his boxers down and pulled out Dean’s hard and flushed cock. He took Dean in hand and stroked a couple times before catching himself staring. Was it possible to be nostalgic about a cock? Cas leaned in close and rubbed the soft skin of the head across his cheek, taking in the familiar scent that was purely Dean.

“Cas, please,” Dean begged above him, lightly thrusting against Cas’s cheek, desperate for friction. Cas smirked and pulled back, stroking a couple more times before opening his mouth enough to allow the tip in. Dean moaned as Cas swirled his tongue and took him deeper. The taste was the same, the one he had been missing for so long. He had always loved how Dean tasted and after being denied it for so long, it was even sweeter and more succulent. Cas grabbed the back of Dean’s thighs and pulled him further into his mouth, swallowing around him. Dean’s hand gripped his hair and he tried to control the urge to thrust into Cas’s mouth without abandon. He could feel spit escaping from the corners of his mouth as he let Dean fuck his mouth shallowly, and looked up. Dean was panting heavily and looking down at him in awe, like he wasn’t sure if Cas was real. Cas pulled off slowly, his cheeks hollowing as he did, lips popping as he finally released Dean. A whine came from above him and Cas smiled mischievously.

“Not yet,” Cas hummed, pulling Dean’s jeans and boxers down roughly, revealing the barrels of the twin colts tattooed on his hips. He tugged them down further, pressing a kiss to the Led Zeppelin art on his right thigh. Dean shivered slightly in reaction to the kiss and Cas smiled. “Take off your shirt.” Dean complied, grabbing the bottom hem of his tee and pulling it up and over his head, then tossing it in a corner. Cas stood, unable to keep his hands from running over the planes of Dean’s chest, licking his lips as he stared.

“Picture will last longer,” Dean teased, pushing his hips into Cas’s. His breath caught in his throat at the look that Cas gave him, hiding something purely primal behind his eyes. Cas pulled Dean to him, capturing his lips in another punishing kiss before spinning them both around. Once their places had been switched, Cas let Dean go and let him fall backwards onto the bed. Dean bounced a little, then took his jeans off the rest of the way, never taking his eyes off of Cas.

Cas smirked under Dean’s gaze as he divested himself of his clothing, teasing a little more than he would if he wasn’t being watched. Cas climbed up between Dean’s spread legs and peppered soft kisses and nips along Dean’s abdomen. He held Dean’s small thrusts down with one hand, pressing his fingertips into the divot his hip bone created, as he reveled in the small gasps and noises coming from above him. Cas continued up his body, eventually covering Dean’s chest with his own and reaching his lips again. Having those soft lips again was like a fever dream, and he couldn’t help but grind down, sliding his cock against Dean’s. A moan escaped Cas and he moved his hand from Dean’s hip and slid it up his torso, intensely aware of how Dean leaned into his touch.

“Touch me,” Dean whispered against Cas’s lips before capturing them again. Cas rolled to his side, and turned Dean toward him, refusing to break their kiss. He reached between them and wrapped his hand around Dean, taking advantage of the gasp he procured to lick into Dean’s mouth. Dean moaned sweetly as Cas worked his hand slowly on Dean’s cock, trying to draw everything out as long as possible. If this was the last time he was going to be with Dean, he was going to savor it. Dean’s hand landed on Cas’s hip and started to drift between them, slow and almost hesitant.

“Please, Dean,” Cas breathed, urging Dean to touch him as well. Any hesitation that plagued the artist was resolved, and he moved to take Cas in hand. Cas closed his eyes and dropped his head slightly, unable to continue actively kissing Dean while his hand was stroking him so perfectly. After a few moments of bliss, he opened the hand he was holding Dean with and entwined his fingers with Dean’s, using both of their hands to stroke them together. Dean nosed Cas’s forehead, urging him to lift his head so he could kiss him again. Cas gladly gave in, even though it was less kissing and more panting against each other’s lips. He opened his eyes and noticed that Dean was staring at him, the green of his eyes almost completely replaced by black. His freckles stood out against his flushed skin and his lips looked slick and kiss-bitten. A quick pang went through his chest, remembering the last time Dean had looked like that. The last time he had looked at  _ Cas _ like that. Three words wavered on the tip of his tongue, daring to escape and ruin everything for a second time. He closed his eyes again, swallowing the phrase and promising to never say it again. He didn’t want anyone else to hear it and Dean already knew.

“Cas, I…I’m close,” Dean moaned, snapping Cas out of his thoughts. Together, he and Dean picked up their pace, thrusting into the channel their hands created. Cas bent his head and latched onto Dean’s neck, groaning into the mark he was leaving on Dean’s skin. He came first, his come helping to slick the way to Dean’s climax. Just a few strokes later, Dean was coming as well, Cas’s name quietly leaving his lips. They continued for a couple moments, stroking through the sensitivity as they came down. Cas was the first to let go, slowly retreating from the bed and going to the bathroom for a washcloth.

As Cas held his fingers under the faucet and waited for the water to warm up, he tried to figure out what all this meant. It was obvious that they still had feelings for each other. Did Dean forgive him? If that was the case, did he really forgive Dean? They really needed to have a conversation about the whole thing, but getting Dean to talk about his feelings was like pulling teeth…and he was no dentist. After several minutes of musing, he noticed the water was practically scalding and he quickly pulled his red-tinted fingers out from under the stream. He hissed, turning the heat of it down and wetting the washcloth with his other hand. Once the cloth was sufficiently damp, he turned the water cold and chilled his burnt hand for a moment. Cas let out a breath of relief as the pain subsided, then turned the sink off and walked back to the main room.

Dean was where Cas had left him, and opened one eye to see him coming back to bed. “Hey,” Dean greeted, smiling softly. Cas’s heart skipped a beat at Dean still sprawled out on the bed and he couldn’t help but smile back.

“Hey, yourself,” Cas replied, climbing back onto the rumpled sheets with the cloth. He cleaned himself off quickly, then handed it to Dean. Once Dean had cleaned himself, he threw the washcloth over Cas, where it landed with a plop somewhere near the door of the bathroom. Dean smirked at Cas and shrugged, before reaching down to grab the sheet and pulling it up and over the two of them. Cas allowed him to settle against him and they wrapped their arms around each other, exhaustion setting in quickly. The minutes ticked by, silence only broken by their breathing. Cas couldn’t fall asleep, his mind reeling with what had just happened. He couldn’t just sleep after this. After working himself up for what he imagined was close to an hour, he spoke up.

“Dean, we need to talk,” Cas whispered softly.

No response came.

“Dean.”

His breathing continued steady and Cas sighed, resigning himself to attempting sleep. They could talk in the morning. Cas closed his eyes and drifted off faster than he expected.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh did you think they were done being stupid?

Dean opened his eyes to see Cas beside him, his breathing soft and steady. Ah. One of those dreams again. He smiled softly and sighed. Might as well enjoy it before he woke up. Cas’s back was to him and he reached out to press a soft kiss between his shoulder blades, in the blank space between his wings. He took in a deep breath of Cas’s scent and hummed a little. His dream was so vivid today. Slowly, he climbed out of bed, slipped his boxers on out of habit, and padded over to the kitchenette. He had just started to pour some grounds into the coffee maker when he heard a noise from the bed. It was about this time that the dream went bad, so he kept his eyes focused on making coffee. If he didn’t look over there, he wouldn’t see the bed empty, or Cas replaced with a pile of black feathers.

“Coffee?” Cas’s voice traveled across the living area. “You never made me coffee.”

Dean knew his mind was just playing tricks on him to get him to look. Cas wasn’t there. He was never there. He hadn’t been there for over a year. His grip on the coffee pot was tight as he filled it with water.

“Are you okay?” Cas’s voice insisted. “Dean, if…” It hesitated a moment. “If you want me to leave, I will.”

“Shut up,” Dean growled, pouring the water into the maker. Cas never talked this much in his dreams. He heard the springs of the bed squeak and he gripped the countertop. What was happening? This wasn’t normal.

“Dean,” Cas whispered, his voice much closer than before. “Look at me. Please.” Dean felt a hand touch his jaw to turn it and he pulled away suddenly. It was too real. He looked up and saw Cas standing close to him, hand still suspended in the air, with a concerned look on his face. His hair was tousled from the pillow and in nothing but his boxers.

“You…” Dean stumbled a bit as he stepped back, his eyes then falling on the washcloth still on the floor in front of the bathroom door. “That was real? Last night?”

Cas’s face flushed a little. “Um, yeah. It was real.”

Last night came back to Dean in a flood of memories. He sucked in a breath and steadied himself against the single chair he kept in the kitchenette. “You should go.”

“Are we really doing this again?” Cas sighed, crossing his arms.

“Fine,” Dean crossed the room and pulled on his pants. “I’ll go.” He went to his closet and pulled out a hoodie, then threw it on.

“Dean, wait,” Cas reached a hand out. “We have to talk about this.”

“No, Cas,” Dean huffed, pausing at the door. “We don’t have to talk because there’s nothing  _ to _ talk about. Last night was fun, but it was a mistake. I know it and you know it.”

“Maybe I don’t know,” Cas stepped toward Dean. “Maybe I don’t think this was a mistake.”

“Then you’re wrong,” Dean’s expression hardened and he opened the door. “Help yourself to coffee and lock up when you leave.” He walked out and closed the door behind him, leaving Cas standing in the middle of the studio, stunned.

Dean had walked out. Again. He sat down in the chair that was in the kitchenette and tried to figure out what had happened. Experiences aren’t supposed to be as bad the second time around. Why did his heart feel like it had been ripped from his chest, and his lungs had turned to lead? He gasped for breath between sobs and still, the air he was getting didn’t seem to be enough. Was it something he had done? Dean had been the one to make the first move last night. Wasn’t that what he wanted? He felt a scream rip from his chest and he embraced the pain that radiated down his throat, grounding him. His tears started to subside and his breathing evened out as he calmed down.

That was it then. Cas had to leave, and it’d be forever this time. He’d cut ties with Gabriel, as much as it pained him. Just as he thought, coming back to San Francisco was a mistake, and he wouldn’t make it again. After a few moments, he stood up and walked over to his pants, tugging them on and pulling his phone out of the pocket. He tapped a few times on the screen, then waited for Gabriel to pick up the phone.

“Cassie! You didn’t come home last night, you little scamp,” Gabriel teased when he answered the phone. “You need to move your stuff back over to Dean’s?”

“No,” Cas corrected, firmly. “I’m going back to New York. Forever this time.”

“Oh no, you fucking don’t,” Gabriel spat, the sound of sheets rustling in the background. “I’m sick of you just jetting off every time you and Dean refuse to fucking talk to each other. NEWSFLASH: Dean’s picture is in Encyclopedia Britannica next to ‘Hyperopia’ because he can’t see what’s right in front of his fucking face. I’m about to call the editors and ask that they make a revision to add your picture, too.”

“Gabriel—“

“Don’t interrupt me,” Gabriel ordered. “Sam keeps telling me that you guys will work your shit out eventually, and I damn well hope so, because I’m at the point where I’m not opposed to locking you two in a room together for 24 hours. You’re my best man, and you are NOT going back to New York until after my wedding. That’s fucking final.”

Cas heard Gabriel sigh over the phone. “Dean loves you, Cas. I know he has a hard fucking time showing it, but you have to believe me.”

“He said it was a mistake,” Cas explained. “He just wanted me to go and when I refused, he walked out. How can he love me if he doesn’t want anything to do with me?”

“Christ on a cracker,” Gabriel’s eye roll was audible. “Did you ever think that you hurt him, too? Just because he couldn’t quite say the words yet, you left. Let me repeat that for emphasis. YOU LEFT HIM. I don’t blame him for keeping his distance. All you’ve proven is that when things don’t happen exactly how you want or expect them to, you just hop on a plane right on out of his life. You were literally about to do the same thing again.

“Let’s get one thing straight, cuz I’m done being nice—No, Sam, he needs to hear it—Dean doesn’t owe you shit. He doesn’t have anything to prove to you. You fucked this up. You have to fix it. It’s not going to be easy so, the real question here is do you even want to?”

Cas was in shock at the severe tongue lashing he had just received from Gabriel. As much as it hurt, he was right. How was Dean supposed to be comfortable in a relationship with him if he didn’t bother to stick around and work things out? He brought his hand up and rubbed his eyes. The way he was acting was no better than his father, leaving when things started to get a little tough. Things had to be fixed with Dean, and he wouldn’t stop until they were. Dean was worth it. He just hoped that Dean felt the same.

“Cassie?” Gabriel hesitantly asked.

“Yes,” Cas decided. “I want to fix it. You’re right.”

“Well, halle-fucking-lujah,” Gabriel sighed. “He’s probably down at the wharf, since it’s too early for him to be at the shop. We can do more wedding plans tomorrow. Just go get him and fix this, okay?”

“Thanks, Gabriel,” Cas said, smiling.

“Yes, fine,” Gabriel brushed off. “Now, GO!” He ended the call and Cas tossed his phone to the side as he grabbed his jeans and pulled them on. After locating his shirt, he pulled it on and buttoned it up, then grabbed his phone again. He looked down at it and hesitated a moment. It would be so easy to just leave. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. No. He had to try. If Dean really didn’t want it, he’d leave after the wedding, but he owed it to both of them to try.


	11. Chapter 11

Dean returned to where he usually did when he needed time away from the rest of the world. It was a little cold down by the beach at this time of year, but it didn’t stop him from sitting down in the sand and looking out at the ocean. He wrapped his arms around his knees and rested his chin upon them, sighing as the breeze washed over him. That morning really had felt like a dream. He never imagined that Cas would be anywhere near his bed again, much less in it. Of course, in usual Dean fashion, he had freaked out once he realized it was real. He buried his face into his knees and groaned. Cas had offered to talk, and he turned it down like an idiot. Now, Cas probably already had the next flight to New York booked. It made sense though. If Dean had a choice, he wouldn’t want to be around himself either. He wasn’t worth it, and Cas was the only one who had the sense to see it. Maybe it was time to just—

“Dean.”

He didn’t look up at Cas’s voice or the warm feeling on his hand on Dean’s shoulder. What did he want? To just rub it in? Let him know he was leaving? Dean felt Cas sit down and settle in next to him. He heard Cas sigh and take his hand back.

“I know you didn’t want to talk—“

“Then go,” Dean mumbled against his knees.

“—But,” Cas continued, “this conversation isn’t voluntary. If it’s easier, you can just listen because it’s mostly things you need to hear.” When Dean didn’t respond, Cas took a breath and continued to talk. “Where do I even start?” He thought about what to say for a minute, then finally started to speak. “I…am an idiot. No way around it. I’m a conceded idiot that sometimes only cares about himself. When I want something really bad, I go after it and expect it to fall in my lap. College was easy. Starting my company was easy. That’s just how it’s always been for me, and god, I sound like an entitled asshole, huh?”

Dean shifted a little, but stayed sitting next to Cas, who continued. “Point is, I fought for you like I never had for anything else. Even after our first time together, when you let me stay, I thought my work was done. I had you and once I did, I figured everything would be smooth sailing. You were…” Cas paused and sighed. “You were my first real relationship. The first one I thought was worth anything. In fact, you were the first person I—“ He stopped himself and Dean turned his head a little to peek at Cas. “No, never mind.”

“What?” Dean asked, one eye showing over his arm. Honestly, he knew what it was, but he wanted Cas to say it. He wanted to remember why they were there.

Cas looked at him and bit his bottom lip. “Promise you won’t run away?”

“Will you?” Dean raised an eyebrow.

Cas huffed a small laugh. “Fair.” He leaned back and supported himself on his arms. “You were the first person I loved.” Dean noticed Cas look over at him a little nervously, but Dean just kept his one exposed eye fixed on him, unwavering. “Once I felt it, I just had to say it, you know? I didn’t occur to me at all that you didn’t feel the same. I assumed you’d just say it back and we’d have the best morning sex of our lives.

“When you didn’t, everything collapsed in on me. I figured that if you didn’t love me by then, you would never love me. You seemed so uncomfortable that, I assumed we had different views of our relationship. I was in for the long haul, but maybe you just thought of what we had as a fling. I thought that if I left, it’d be easier on you.” Cas sighed. “I have been since informed in many more words and much more colorful language by Gabriel that I was wrong.” He sat back up and mimicked Dean’s position. “Was I?”

Dean looked away but lifted his head to set his chin on his knees. “You’re definitely an idiot.” Cas snorted a little laugh and Dean flashed a small smile. “It’s not all your fault, I guess.” He shrugged. “I should have explained myself. Instead I just walked out like I usually do when I need to think, and I figured you’d be waiting there when I got back. When you were gone, I just…” Dean sighed. “I figured you didn’t think I was worth it.”

“I never thought that,” Cas assured, putting a hand on Dean’s shin. “I just didn’t understand, and I drew my own conclusions when I didn’t have the full picture.”

“Guess I did the same thing,” Dean admitted. They each fell silent for several moments, letting the ocean waves fill in the gap in conversation. “So, what now?” Dean lifted his head fully and looked at Cas.

“I’m not sure,” Cas shrugged. “Do you…forgive me?”

Dean looked at Cas for a long moment. “If I do, what then?”

“Then,” Cas took a deep breath, “I ask if we can try this again.”

“And if I say yes to that?” Dean raised an eyebrow.

“I send the email I’ve already drafted up and sign my company over to my VP. Then I’ll ask my secretary to box up all my belongings and send them here,” Cas explained, stone-faced. “I won’t let you go again, and I’ll prove it to you in any way I can.”

Dean’s eyes widened. “Shit, Cas. You don’t have to sign over your damn company. You worked hard for that.”

“It doesn’t mean anything compared to you,” Cas confessed.

Dean’s jaw dropped a little at the show of affection. He had never even imagined anyone doing something that big for him. Cas was willing to sign over his entire life’s work just to be with Dean, and he meant it.

“I love you,” Dean blurted.

“What?” Cas blinked, trying to process what he had just heard.

“You heard me,” Dean leaned over and pulled Cas to him with a hand on the back of his neck. Cas’s lips were warm on his and he flicked out his tongue to coax them open after the initial shock. Once Cas understood what was happening, he raised a hand to cup Dean’s face and kissed back eagerly. The Dean that kissed him the day before was not the one kissing him now. This one kissed with every emotion that he had been holding back for an entire year. The heat and promise behind it made Cas moan softly and caused his eyes to sting with tears.

Dean pulled away after a moment and pressed his forehead against Cas, panting. “Don’t get rid of your company.”

Cas looked into Dean’s eyes. “Why? I’m not going back to New York.”

“I know,” Dean pulled back a little and smiled. “Just think about it. What if you just expand? That way you can have an office on the east and the west coast.”

“It’s a little early for expansion, but I think we may be able to pull it off,” Cas groaned a little. “That’s gonna be a long conversation. Like, weeks long.”

“Well,” Dean moved his hand and played with Cas’s collar a bit. “That can wait until after the wedding.”

Cas smiled softly. “You’re right. I know something that can’t wait, though.”

Dean raised an eyebrow and smirked. “Does this something happen to be back at the apartment?”

“You read my mind,” Cas leaned in and kissed Dean softly. “I love you,” he whispered against Dean’s lips.

It was like a weight had lifted off of his shoulders and Dean sighed contently. “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed reading! If you did, please comment, leave kudos, or bug me on tumblr or twitter.
> 
> And, don't worry, Sam and Gabriel will have their wedding in a seperate one-off. :D

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell at me on social media!
> 
> Tumblr: @archangelsanonymous  
> Twitter: @Pattypixie


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